dustofstars | for endingpoint

Aside from the waterboarding, Jane's fine. Mild torture. She'd survived; that was, for now, the most important thing.

(Not the most important thing, not by a long shot.)

She's deep in thought, forehead creased as she lays under a hospital blanket thinking about what happened, replaying it over and over again. Her fingers trace a tattoo on her left forearm; she'd done this to herself. It was all her plan, her idea, but as soon as Oscar got her to the hospital, she begged him to go, to leave, to let her try and put the pieces of what she knows together. The day she figures out she's in love with the man who's name is tattooed on her back, the man from her memories is suddenly very real and very present.

The man she'd made love to.

The man who'd proposed.

When they're only flashes of memories, it's easy to pretend the moments are far away, maybe even that they didn't actually happen. That there would never be a day she had to face them.

She did this to herself.

The sound of Kurt's voice pulls her out of her thoughts, looking up with wide eyes, her wrists slightly bruised from being tied down, but otherwise no worse for wear. What is she supposed to do now? She'd kissed Kurt, let him know exactly where she stood, decided life was too short to 'stay objective.' She couldn't. She didn't want to anymore. But now she doesn't know what to do. It's too much, all at once, so she focuses on what's in front of her.

"The doctor said I'm fine," she promises. "My blood pressure's a little high right now, so they want to keep me overnight. But I'm fine." She guesses they're afraid she might stroke out from the torture or have some kind of heart attack, but if the bomb Oscar dropped on her hadn't done it, she feels like she'll be fine.

He doesn't know the extent of what Carter did to her and he's not sure he wants to ask that of her unless she offers more information herself. So he frowns as he steps closer, sitting on the edge of the bed and reaching for her hands. He turns them over to look at her wrists, his frown deepening as his thumbs sweep across her bruised skin.

"You're not fine."

"I will be fine," she allows, amending her statement as her eyes move over his face.

"Carter thought he could...I don't know, force me to remember." Her hands curve so that she's cradling Kurt's, holding onto him. She knows the question is going to come, probably soon, about how she got free, who killed him, and Jane's trying to put it off, somehow, but she isn't sure how. She can't lie to him, she won't, so she clears her throat.

"I think he's been trying to get to me for a while. Carter, like this. After Mayfair wouldn't give me up, he's been looking for a way to do this."

He keeps a hold of her hands for now, taking a deep breath. "You stick with your detail now, okay? No more of this, Jane."

He does have questions, but he needs to be sure she won't sneak off by herself anymore.

Her mouth opens to tell him even with her detail, the way she'd been been jumped, there's no way two men could have saved her. But she closes her mouth again and nods, squeezing his hands tightly.

"No more," she promises, and she reaches up with one hand to touch his cheek lightly.

"Jane." Kurt's hand wraps around hers for a moment, touching her skin. "How did you get out of there? How did you kill him?"

Closing her eyes, Jane takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly as she opens her eyes again and shakes her head. "I didn't. Someone..." Jane pauses, struggling because she doesn't want this between them, she wants to go back to before, when they were kissing in front of his building. But she can't, and maybe that was the only chance she had.

Maybe she's supposed to be in love with someone else.

"His name is Oscar. And...he's the person I told you about. The one I think I was engaged to. Except..." She takes another deep breath. "Now I know I was." She can start there because it's only going to get worse.

The man she was engaged to showed up and rescued her.

Kurt's mind is swimming with thoughts and he grunts a little, not saying anything for a moment. "What did he say to you? Where is he?"

Wetting her lips, she's at least glad that Kurt hasn't let go of her hands, that he hasn't broken that connection immediately. Especially because she's sure he will after she tells him what she has to. What she can't keep from him.

"I told him to give me space. That I would contact him when I was ready." So at least, if he really is who he says he is (she knows it's true, she knows that tree tattoo by heart now) there's a buffer of time, and it's up to her to take the next step. She knows she's going to have to, but she's not ready. not yet. But she has the phone, so she reaches for it and loads the video, showing it to Kurt.

Herself, talking into the camera.

I know that you're scared. I know that you're confused. And I know you want to find out what happened to you. The answer is you. The tattoos, the memory wipe, sending you to Kurt Weller. This was all your idea.

The video ends, and Jane sits, letting the silence fill the room.

Kurt can't believe what he's seeing for a moment, narrowing his eyes as the video plays. She did this to herself? How? Why? Why his name on her back?

Crossing his arms over his chest now, he just thinks about this silently for a few long moments. Then he rubs a hand over his head, trying to make sense of it all.

"This is a lot to take in."

Letting out a short laugh - that isn't at all humor filled - Jane puts the phone back down. "That's putting it lightly, don't you think?" Because she did it to herself, and she has no idea why. She put herself through something he knew would leave her confused, vulnerable - naked in Times Square and picked apart by the FBI, and for what? That's the part she's been thinking about the most. That's the part she wants to know.

"I think...your name is on my back because...something's happening, Kurt. Something I only trusted you to help me with."

Or, it was the complete opposite, and she was never actually supposed to love him.

Kurt's not sure which scenario it could be, but his guard is up as he thinks through this.

"Or I'm one of the bad guys, like everyone else your tattoos have led us to. Maybe that's what you thought."

"I don't believe that," Jane says instantly, but she lets go of his hands, taking that as a cue from him.

He's picked his side of the coin.

"I can't tell you what I thought then. Only what I think now. What I thought at your apartment."

"The only one who knows is Oscar," Kurt murmurs quietly, looking down at the floor.

"Yeah," she breathes out, resting her head back on the pillow, closing her eyes and rubbing her face for a moment.

"The only thing I know from our past is that...I...turned down his engagement. I didn't want it." She doesn't know why she didn't, there are no feelings there for him now other than confusion and apprehension.

"He knows everything about you." And Kurt knows nothing. Barely anything at all.

He's not sure if he should be heartened by the fact that she called off the engagement and refused it. He has no idea what to think about anything. Did she remember him all this time? Did she know he never gave up on her? Was she fighting to get back to him?

"Jane," Kurt steps closer, dropping his arms so they're resting loosely at his sides. "Maybe you were trying to protect me."

There's a flicker of hope there when he says that, and she looks up at him, resisting reaching out for now. "I think...I made sure you would find me because of this. What we've formed now, how we've worked together, what we've done. How we will. I had to know. I had to, Kurt."

There's an edge to desperation to her voice and she wets her lips, trying to reign it in a little. The truth will come out soon, they'll know more in a week than they did yesterday when she was just someone sitting outside of his building, waiting to make sure he knew how she felt. It was genuine, it still is, and she has no idea if he believes that now; she doesn't want to ask. Not yet.

"The fact that...Carter wanted me, and was happy to kill me if needed after torturing information out of me? I have something on me that we haven't figured out. Something that could blow the FBI, CIA, NSA...wide open."

"He almost got you," Kurt murmurs quietly, fear still lingering for her. Carter may be out of the way, but she's a danger to more people and they'll want to keep coming after her. Sitting down in the chair next to her bed now, Kurt covers one of her hands lightly.

"Nobody's gonna get to you again."

Jane turns her hand over so that he can take her hand, their fingers lacing together.

"You're going to need more than two guys outside of my house," she advises him. She hesitates, but he needs to know, so he can figure out what to do to keep her safe. "It was more than a couple people who took me, he's working with a group. He took me....to an abandoned building, everything had to already be set up. And there had to be a water source or...a way he thought he could easily access water for...however long he thought he needed to."

She was so disoriented after that, once Oscar saved her, she can't remember the path from where she was to the hospital.

"No," he shakes his head. "No more safehouse. You'll be with me, we'll have security there instead."

After this, he's not taking a chance and leaving her alone there. He won't.

Squeezing her hand, he softly asks, "Do you wanna talk about what he did?"

Well.

Having a house and something that was finally hers was nice while it lasted. She's glad now, that she got to have a party while she good. Maybe she'd never have one again.

Looking down at their hands, Jane's quiet for a few moments. "It was water boarding." She's not sure there's more to say than that. It's cut and dry torture.

"God. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Jane." They failed her. They all failed her. He doesn't let go of her hand though, not at all.

That snaps her out of whatever self-loathing she's feeling, and gently tries to tug him closer. "It's..."

She can't think of anything to say there, and she frowns a little as she covers their hands with her free one. "I'm here. We can...deal with anything else that happens, I think. I hope." Jane meets his eyes, looking at him, her silent plea almost as loud as if she'd said it to him.

He was supposed to protect her, but Carter got to her. Tortured her.

"Yeah. We can," Kurt murmurs, reaching out to just momentarily trace the curve of her cheek with his fingers.

"I know that...I know trust is important. Maybe above anything," she begins, forehead creasing just slightly.

"Maybe I did do this for a reason. But the only thing I know for sure, and...the only thing I know to trust, is..." She trails off, because really, it comes down to the only person she knows to trust.

"You."

for endingpoint

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