dustofstars | (no subject)

(no subject)

For so many years, that image of his father trudging into their house with muddy boots in the dark, unforgiving shadows haunted him. He thought it meant this imposing figure, this sad, pathetic man had done something terrible to Taylor, to his best friend. With the truth out now, that his father couldn't have possibly hurt Taylor, he's wondered what he was really up to that night. What was he doing? What was he hiding?

Knowing the truth - that he'd planned to kill himself - is a strange truth to take in. He doesn't know what to think or feel, the emotions overwhelming him. He doesn't want to tell Sarah, doesn't want that burden on her shoulders. Then his thoughts shift to Jane, to his best friend. Or - the woman who was once his best friend. He knows she's upset with him, he saw that disappointment in her eyes and he wonders if she'll even want to see him now. But he wants to just see her. Just for a moment.

Rather than calling her, he just heads over to her safe house, clearing his throat and letting out a breath before knocking on her door.

"Jane. It's me," he says, so she knows.

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Jane hasn't known, for a few days now, which way is up. The only thing she knows is that Kurt still feels safe, and that's partly why she's pushing away. The less he's involved, the better, just in case it goes terribly wrong. Then he'd killed Charlie, this scared kid who had God knows what done to him. Scared out of his mind, drugged to the point where he was supposed to die and didn't. He's her, he's everything that happened to her once, in all likelihood. With Oscar's words, that she'd died, she can't help feeling like Taylor Shaw really did die, just like Charlie 'died.'

That's why she's looked at Kurt the way she had, why she was so damn upset. What if he hadn't known when she first came out of that bag? What if she'd been hostile, drugged and terrified? It's eating at her; that and actually going through with switching Mayfair's pen. Something doesn't feel right, she just doesn't know what it is.

When Kurt knocks, she's surprised to hear his voice but gets up, going to the door and opening it. She's about to ask him why he's here, but his face, something in his eyes, she can't. Immediately she opens the door wider. "What's wrong?"

He knows she's still upset about Charlie, he knows she might not even want to talk or see him, but when she asks him what's wrong, he feels such a sense of relief. But now he's questioning if he should be here at all, if he should be bothering her with this.

She'd reached out to him about his father, though, so Kurt takes a deep breath.

"I talked to my dad," he mumbles.

She hadn't actually expected him to listen to her at all, so she's slightly surprised by what he says. Letting him in, she closes the door behind her and then watches him, searching his face.

"What did he say? You...you asked him about that night?"

"Yeah," he says softly, crossing his arms over his chest and looking down at the floor as he paces. He's trying to work out what to say, how much to say. Finally, he looks over, eyes raking over her face.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come." He shakes his head at himself, disappointed in himself for even thinking of putting her through this. "I know it was a hard day - you should rest. I'm sorry," he repeats, but his voice is so small around those words, cracking a little. He's sorry for so many things, really, and he turns to leave, feeling his chest tighten at the memory of being at that park, waiting for her and knowing she wasn't coming.

Jane shakes her head and reaches out for his hand, holding onto him tightly. "No, Kurt, it's...stay. Talk to me." Anything else that's happened can go to the back burner. He needs her, she can see that he's a wreck, something's eating at him, and she leads him to the couch to sit, still holding onto his hand tightly.

"What happened?"

He looks down at their joined hands, taking so much comfort from her touch. He knows she regrets kissing him, thinks it was a mistake, but they can still be friends. They have this at least.

Squeezing her hand in return, he keeps his eyes downcast, taking a deep breath.

"The night you were taken, he came home with muddy boots. He finally...broke, and he told me the truth. He drove out - far out - started walking into the Susquehanna River. He was gonna kill himself." Kurt has to pause, shutting his eyes tightly at the truth he's still trying to process. "But he came back. He came back, and he never told anyone until tonight."

For Jane, that's a punch to the stomach on his behalf, to know that someone you love, even if his father was never the best father, it has to be tearing him up. She can see it, on his face, how hard he's struggling, and she swallows her doubt before reaching out to pull him into a hug, pressing her forehead to his.

"But now you know. Now you know, Kurt."

His father had nothing at all to do with her, he wasn't a part of the people that took her. Maybe it's worse, she doesn't know, but the truth is finally out.

He's stiff in her arms for a moment, taking an extra moment to relax. He just stays like that, not moving as he nods a little. "He was so depressed and angry for so long. He said..." Kurt clears his throat, his voice getting soft again. "He never wanted me to be him. To be full of rage, distant..."

He's struggling with so many thoughts. "I never wanted to be him. I can't be him."

And yet, some wayward part of him doesn't want to lose this man now.

"Kurt, you aren't him. I don't...I don't know him, but. I know you're a good person, with a good heart and..."

And God, she knows he was there. She knows in her heart that he's lying. He was at the park. It hits her like a shock of cold water when she realizes - he'd let her off the hook. He was a good man, he didn't deserve this.

But he doesn't deserve whatever Jane might drag him down into, either.

"You can still...have a relationship now with him, but realize his faults. You made your way back to each other and you know...you know what's at stake. You have a chance to let go of the past and start over."

Finally, finally, his arms wrap around her in return and he nods again. "I know. We'll...work on it." He lets go, though, after a moment, just pulling back, needing that space. "Sarah's always been better at this than me." She'll be happy to see them reconciling in some way, though.

He smiles just slightly. "He always liked you." That's why it had hurt so much, that supposed betrayal, to think that his father could have done that.

"Maybe...maybe if...you think it would make sense...we could meet. But only if that's okay. I don't...I don't want to impose on anything." Or over step, or go where she's possibly not welcome.

"I'm glad you listened to me. That you talked to him."

"Yeah. Maybe." He's still not sure where they stand, exactly, but that means something, at least. He also knows how hard it was for her to have dinner with Sarah and Sawyer that one time so he doesn't want it to be too hard for her.

Folding his hands together in his lap, he asks, "You alright?"

Going quiet for a few moments, Jane rolls his question around in her head. What can she say? She's not okay. Not at all, but for so many different reasons.

"I'm...I keep thinking about the things they did to Charlie. Do you think...do you think they strapped me down? Experimented on me like that?" she asks, finally looking up at him.

He knows the case with Charlie hit close to home for her. He doesn't like to think of anyone doing that to her, hurting her like that, but he knows it's a possibility and he'll always be genuine with her.

"I think they probably tried to break you. Maybe it worked, for a little while. But you're stronger than anyone I know. Whatever they did then, they're nothing, and we'll get them."

"I just...what if...what if the first time you'd ever seen me, I was like him? Confused and scared and...fighting Reade, or Zapata?" She looks up at him again, then just shrugs a little because she knows he'll say but that didn't happen, so it's a moot point anyway.

"I wanted to help him. And he had someone. He had family that got him back, after praying for it for so long. And now he's gone again. But I know...I know you were trying to protect me. I know you were worried."

His jaw tenses a little because he doesn't want to talk about this again. They can't agree on it and he doesn't want to make this harder for her. But for her sake, he tries to explain it in a way that might give her more closure.

"I wanted to help him. We tried. But he pulled a gun on you. That wasn't his fault, but he did. Maybe he wouldn't have shot you, maybe you would have talked him down. But I couldn't take that chance, Jane. I'm taught to act, to follow my instincts. When someone points a gun at you, I don't hesitate. Hesitating costs lives."

She hears him, she understands and hears him, and she reaches out, squeezing his hand again. "I know. It just...he was like me," she finishes, and then decides to just drop it. They each know how they feel.

"I'm sorry," Jane says quietly, letting go of his hand again. "I know that you know I was the one who didn't show up. You didn't have to do that. I just...I got scared." Which isn't a complete lie. What if being with her now, now that Oscar has revealed himself, means that Kurt's in danger?

"It's not...it's not you, it's...I don't know what I'm doing. I got scared."

He doesn't really want to talk about it, having made peace with the fact that he'd been foolish to feel hopeful about what the future held for them. He'd been thinking with his heart and not his head. Standing up, he realizes he should go, get out of here before it gets too awkward.

"It's fine," he assures her, a little too quickly. "Your instinct - feeling scared - was right. We shouldn't." He doesn't even want to see her eyes, see the confirmation there as he turns to go.

"Kurt..." He's at the door before she can even think, and she gets up as he opens it, standing in the doorway with him which forces them to be close.

"I'm not afraid of you," she says, praying he knows that, hoping he gets it, and without thinking, she pulls him into a kiss. It's not as soft as their first, it's more desperate this time; her hope that he understands, that he gets the point. She's not afraid of him, and she's not afraid of them. It's just everything else.

Edited 2016-03-08 23:39 (UTC)

The kiss is almost bittersweet, and rather than reassuring him, it leaves him confused and a little sad. She wants him, but they can't be together right now. None of it makes sense, and he knows she's hiding something from him, he just doesn't know what. He lingers in the kiss for a moment, responds to it lightly, but then pulls away. In contrast to their previous kiss, there's no soft smile on his face this time, no hopefulness, just a quiet sort of sadness as he manages a small smile, turning to go.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

He has no idea, of course, that Jane is being watched, that from a distance, Oscar is fuming at the sight.

Jane's eyes close, somehow feeling worse for trying, a knot twisting in her chest. She did this, she ruined them, she's continuing to with everything she omits from him. But maybe it's better this way. "Bye," she says, hoping she covered the wavering in her voice well, forcing herself to not insist he stay.

When she goes inside and closed the door, she leans her back against it then slides down to just sit and wrap around herself, with no idea at all how to navigate this, how to tell him everything, how to tell him she did all of this to herself, that she could get him killed. Eventually, she gets up and goes to her laptop and just begins writing, an email that she's not going to send, but confessing everything to him. She saves it to drafts, intending to read it over and then talk to him. She's going to tell him, but she needs to have her thoughts down so that she's not talking to him in some jumbled, hard to understand way.

When she goes to bed, she tosses and turns until the time she promised to meet with Oscar before work, at seven a.m., on the same roof. When she gets there she's early, and just watches the sunrise.

For now, Oscar doesn't mention Kurt at all. He saw the kiss, saw him go inside, but he doesn't bring him up. He doesn't think that approach will work and he doesn't want Jane on the defensive.

"I think you should come with us. Meet the rest of your team," Oscar says softly, though he has a different plan in mind. "I'll take you there, we'll answer any question you have."

This is what she's wanted, and she looks at her watch, still having a couple of hours before she has to report to the FBI building, so she nods, though she makes a bit of a face at him using the word 'team' for these people she doesn't know.

"Lead the way," she says, a little on guard, trying to watch for any potential trap.

Oscar leads her on a few different trains, into a cab, dodging anyone who might be following them. They get to a seemingly abandoned building, and their team is there, all of them nodding at Jane, even knowing she doesn't remember them.

"Follow me," Oscar says, leading her down the hall to a small office, where he hands her a file. The file contains more information about her background, project Orion, and what happened when she was presumed dead. "There's a lot there. You can trust me. I want you to know more about your life."

"You said that...we didn't approve of what they did to Charlie. But...this all seems...exactly like what happened to him. I mean, minus the drugs to keep me awake and my heart rate up, everything else exactly the same," she says as she takes the folder from him but doesn't look through it, not yet.

"Did you know what was going to happen to me, exactly? Did you try to talk me out of it, stop me at all? I mean, when you proposed, what did you think was going to happen?"