dustofstars | (no subject)

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For so many years, that image of his father trudging into their house with muddy boots in the dark, unforgiving shadows haunted him. He thought it meant this imposing figure, this sad, pathetic man had done something terrible to Taylor, to his best friend. With the truth out now, that his father couldn't have possibly hurt Taylor, he's wondered what he was really up to that night. What was he doing? What was he hiding?

Knowing the truth - that he'd planned to kill himself - is a strange truth to take in. He doesn't know what to think or feel, the emotions overwhelming him. He doesn't want to tell Sarah, doesn't want that burden on her shoulders. Then his thoughts shift to Jane, to his best friend. Or - the woman who was once his best friend. He knows she's upset with him, he saw that disappointment in her eyes and he wonders if she'll even want to see him now. But he wants to just see her. Just for a moment.

Rather than calling her, he just heads over to her safe house, clearing his throat and letting out a breath before knocking on her door.

"Jane. It's me," he says, so she knows.

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She still can't look at him, she doesn't want to see how he's looking at her, but she lets him take her hand. "You don't have to do this. I don't...I haven't earned it."

He won't push her to look at him until she's ready, but he keeps a hold of her hand, not wanting to let go. "What you said - you were falling in love with me?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have...it's...yes, but that's...I ruined it, so. It doesn't matter. If I can somehow earn your trust back enough just to be friends, that's...that's all that matters, it's all I care about."

She dos hold onto his hand tightly, letting that feel like some kind of hope, but not daring to think she should take it to mean anything significant. Just that he's not completely disgusted with her.

He shifts their hands so that he can lace his fingers together with hers, wrapping his hand around her, just clinging to her. "I missed you, Jane."

Finally, she risks looking at him, confident enough that he's at least not looking at her like he doesn't know who she is anymore. She looks like she's hurting, her expression one of physical pain though it's all in her heart.

"I missed you. I've missed you so much, Kurt." She can't explain anymore, she can't tell him why she did the things she did that were so damn hurtful to him and the others. She wanted to protect him, but she knows no one really sees it that way, which means all she can do is prove that she really does feel those things for him, if he'll let her.

"I wanna trust you again," he says softly, giving her some latitude, giving her a chance. He's keeping the door open, at least, and though there's so much hurt in his eyes, too, it's clear by the way he hasn't let go of her hand that he wants her, too.

"Whatever I have to do...to earn your trust again, I'll do it," Jane vows. "But...if you need time, I understand. I'm not...I'm not going anywhere. Put the detail back on the house, track me, whatever...you need to do, I just...I want to make things right."

She's already planning to talk to the rest of the team privately, to just apologize on her own even thought he thought makes her stomach twist. They need to hear it from her, even if they don't care see her again. She has to apologize.

Kurt's quiet and thoughtful for a few long moments, letting go of her hand now before speaking again. "When you called off your detail, I thought..." He laughs derisively at himself, shaking his head as he looks down. "Nevermind."

Jane makes the mistake of looking over at him before her confusion lifts and she realizes.

He thought she asked for it lifted for him, and the shame and guilt increases as she closes her eyes against fresh tears.

"I'm sorry," she manages, fighting off the emotion that's settling in her chest. The words don't feel like they mean anything at all, and she gets up, mumbling that she'll be right back, and goes into her bathroom, closing the door and covering her mouth with both hands to stifle a sob, turning on the water in the sink to help mask the noise as she just breaks down, unable to take the guilt anymore. The hope in his eyes two days ago, the way he let her off the hook with meeting him, and the look of absolute betrayal on his face earlier, is too much. She hurt him, deeply, and she hates herself for it, hates that she can't fix it or put them back together again.

She stays in the bathroom for about ten minutes before pulling herself back together the best she can, taking a few deep breaths and splashing cold water on her face before coming back out, sitting on the couch once more but with a little space between them. "I need...I need to clean out my locker at the office. I don't have much, but. I'd like to have it."

He knows what she's doing, why she's in the bathroom for such a long time, and he's in just as much pain. Not only for himself, but because he knows she's in pain.

"I'll take care of it," he nods, lifting his head to look at her. "Jane. You're not alone, okay? I'm...I'm here."

"Why?" she asks, because she certainly doesn't deserve it, and it would make more sense if he wasn't, if he shut her out at least for a little while.

"After what I did, why?"

"You're my best friend. And you came back." It hurts and there's some trust that's been shattered, but it's as simple as that for Kurt right now.

That he still considers her that, that he would stillcall her that, makes Jane break down completely. There isn't enough time to try and hide it, she just leans over, burying her face in her hands and crying. She doesn't deserve him, this kindness, this grace he's showing her, and in the moment, it completely overwhelms her.

Kurt watches her for a moment with a nearly impassive expression, but then he shifts to close the gap between them. Reaching out, his arms envelop her, pulling her close to him.

There's an outright sob at that, and even as he holds her, she's apologizing over and over again. Nothing she says or does can ever make up for this, she knows. Holding onto him tightly, Jane cries until she just can't anymore, and it's late, so she eventually pulls back, eyes red and a little swollen as she sniffles. She's emotionally spent, just completely exhausted, and she gestures at his shirt that's soaked at the shoulder.

"I'm...sorry about that, too."

They're a little broken right now, but Kurt doesn't believe this can't be mended. He held onto hope for 25 years that she would come back, he's always had a little more optimism than some people. With his hand rubbing her back a little, he just smirks and shrugs.

"It'll come out in the wash."

"I should get you the laptop. It's...since it's not mine," she realizes. Getting up, she goes to unplug it, grabbing the charger too and setting it on the coffee table next to the uneaten food. "Do you...you can take any of this with you. I got it for both of us."

They just never got around to eating it.

He knows she's filled with self-loathing right now, but Kurt isn't planning to go anywhere. "We should eat, then," he smiles a little, squeezing her hand. "I don't know about you, but I wanna just watch a movie and relax."

Jane blinks at him in complete confusion and doesn't even know what to say for a few moments as she just stares at him.

"...You...you're staying?"

"I told you - I've missed you," Kurt explains, like it's not a big deal, like it's just matter-of-fact. "You stay here, I'll heat everything up."

Jane nods mutely, just completely awe struck by him, and when he comes back with the warmed up food the TV is on, just a random movie, and she eats sitting beside him. For a long time, almost until she's done eating, she's tense beside him, but slowly she begins to relax. When she does finish, she puts her plate aside and curls her legs under her body in the corner of the couch, looking over at him.

"I really would...I'd do anything for you, Kurt." She needs him to know that, at least. Even if he can't trust her or believe it right now.

"I know you would, Jane. I never doubted that, I still don't," he assures her, setting his empty plate aside as well. He's trying to get her to relax a little. This has been painful for both of them and nothing is magically better, but he loves her and she's his best friend.

So he reaches out for her hand again, just wanting that connection.

"A few months before you were taken," he starts softly, clearing his throat, "I had my appendix taken out. I had to stay a couple days in the hospital. You were so upset, you begged your mom to be there with me. And my mom-" Kurt smiles a little. "She thought it was adorable. So you'd spend a few hours with me everyday until I got home."

Jane smiles a little at the memory, wishing she could remember that. Her hand squeezes in his, as she watches him talk about their childhood.

"Even then, I just wanted to take care of you," she murmurs, leaning back against the couch and closing her eyes, just trying to imagine them both, so young.

He doesn't even realize it as his thumb strokes over her knuckles tenderly. "Yeah. You were good at it," he smiles. He'd tried to take care of her, too, but he'd clearly failed.

Turning her head to look at him, Jane just searches his eyes once she opens her own. "We'll be okay? Really?" she as quietly, wanting to hear where they stand, straight from him.

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startingpoint - 2016-03-10 02:59 (UTC) - Expand

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