dustofstars | for endingpoint

When they have a day scheduled for her to have the serum injected, Jane makes up the spare room, because she won't remember that she loves him. Just that he's taking care of her. But that gives her an idea, and she sits on the bed, making sure her phone can be unlocked without a passcode first, then making a few videos. One, telling herself that she's lost her memory, but it's going to be fine, that she can trust Kurt. She explains her tattoos next, and then she explains Kurt. She talks about loving him, about the way he loves her, and it's all she can do, really.

Going to Kurt the night before, she kneels in front of him and hands her the phone. "Make sure you give this to me. There are videos, so I understand what's happening."

"Okay," he nods. He'll look at the videos later, he doesn't really want to look at them right now. He's trying not to think about tomorrow too much, just focusing on the fact that Jane can be at peace. "We should...get some sleep."

"Before...before we do that, I wanted..." She ducks her head, blinking quickly.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to be okay. But it's not your fault," she says firmly, looking up at him. "What happened isn't anyone's fault but..." She can't even say Carter's name, so she doesn't. Kurt knows.

"And having to do this, that isn't your fault either. I feel like I'm cheating. Like I'm letting everyone down and taking the easy way out of this," she admits. "And like I'm breaking your heart."

He listens to her intently and just lets it sink in. It's hard to let go of his guilt, but he's trying. He'll keep working on it. He hasn't had much time to think about it, Jane's been his sole focus.

"This is what you need to do. I want this for you," he says, wanting her to go into this with a clear heart. And he leans in then, just kissing her lips softly.

Kissing him softly, Jane still can't help feeling like she's losing in the end, still wondering if she should back out. But once they go to bed and she wakes up screaming again, sweating and shaking, she knows this is what she needs.

She doesn't sleep though, the rest of the night, because she wants to remember being in his arms as long as she can.

Kurt doesn't sleep, either, but in the morning, he gets up and makes coffee and then they get to the facility. He sits with her as she lays on the bed. She has an IV and Kurt is sitting there holding her hand tightly. He smiles a little, trying to just be strong for her.

And then the doctor comes in, and Kurt kisses Jane's knuckles tenderly. "I love you," he tells her, one last time.

"No matter what," she whispers. "I love you. I'll always love you," she whispers, a tear sliding down her cheek. "Don't forget the videos, okay?" she pleads gently.

He nods, not trusting himself to speak right now. He just holds her hand, and when the doctor injects the serum, Kurt holds her gaze until he can tell it's kicking in and then he looks down. He can't watch her eyes shift from love to confusion when she looks at him. He lets go of her hand swiftly, standing up and keeping his back to her for now, trying to keep his emotions at bay. He can do this. He'll do this. For her.

She keeps repeating his name, over and over again in her head, just his name until she loses it completely, mind going blank. The doctor is right there, soothing right away so that she's not traumatized. The story they're going with is that she has amnesia, that she'll be fine but she just needs to take it easy.

And then she looks at Kurt, so much like the woman who came out of the bag; a little less terrified, but no less blank, completely wary as she tries to hang onto the fact that this person is someone who's supposed to take care of her. "...Who am I? What's my name?" she asks quietly.

He hadn't really known what to expect, how he'd feel when this happened. Looking at her now, seeing just this blank look in her eyes, it's gutted him. He feels completely empty, hollow, so many walls he'd let down going right back up. He's lost her all over again, and he didn't realize it would hurt this much. But tonight she'll sleep without nightmares, and that makes this pain worth it.

He's back to being all business with her. He has to be.

"Your name is...Taylor. Taylor Shaw." That's the story they'd agreed to as well. "I know this is confusing, but everything's gonna be okay." He proceeds to explain what happened to her, going with their story that she'd been found wandering in the woods and they'd brought her here, still trying to figure out what happened to her.

She's afraid, but she nods and bites at her cheek in a nervous habit. She's allowed to leave after an hour of just monitoring her, to make sure her blood pressure doesn't spike. It feels so odd, to be leaving with a strange man, but she's seen his credentials, she knows he's who he says he is, and in the car, she watches him drive, speaking his name for the first time.

"Agent Weller, I...thank you for letting me stay with you. I have no idea where I would go if you didn't."

"You're welcome," he murmurs, keeping his eyes on the road, not wanting to look at her right now. The more he looks at her, the more painful this all is. He just needs a day or two to process. The fact that she didn't even use his first name is another knife to his heart, so he adds tightly: "You can call me Kurt."

She nods a little, then looks back out of the window, not sure what to say, because she doesn't know what to ask. When they get to his apartment, she hangs back, arms wrapped around herself as she looks around.

"I don't think I'll be in the way. I'll keep to myself, and...I hope I'm low maintenance. I'm just...really tired right now."

"I've got a spare room you can sleep in," he nods, moving down the hallway. "If you wanna crash and get some sleep now, you can. Whatever you want." He knows why she's so tired, of course. "Should be everything you need in here. Bathroom's across the hall," he points. "Just come get me if you need anything."

"Thank you, Kurt," Jane says with a small smile, not sure if he's okay with her really, or if he isn't, and she disappears into the bedroom, closing the door behind her. And she changes into clothes she finds before curling up into bed. And when she sleeps, there are no nightmares at all. She's blissfully blank, and sleeps for twelve hours solid.

"You're welcome," he nods at her, letting her be. While she sleeps, he cooks, and he has no idea when she'll actually wake up. It's ten o'clock when she does wake up and the dinner he made is in the fridge. It's just spaghetti, easy to heat up. He's sitting on the couch just watching some random movie, trying not to think about her, about how good it felt to have her in his lap when they'd watch movies together. She's here, but she's not, and he misses her like hell.

She found a hoodie and slips that on, walking out and tucking hair behind her ear. "Hi. I...really didn't meant to sleep like that. And to be honest, I think I could still sleep for a day."

She feels so awkward in his space, not sure if she's supposed to just sit and make herself at home.

"You needed it," he shrugs a little. When he realizes she's just standing there like she doesn't know what to do, Kurt says, "You can sit, you know. I want you to be comfortable." He doesn't know how to do this, not at all. He doesn't mean to make her uncomfortable, he just is trying so hard to mask his pain that he can barely look at her. "If you're hungry, there's spaghetti in the fridge, I can heat some up."

"Yes please," she says quietly as she moves to sit, chewing on her bottom lip. Her eyes drift to the television screen, but of course nothing looks familiar to her at all. When he brings her the spaghetti, Taylor thanks him again, then hums after taking a bite. "It's good."

She eats in silence for a little bit before speaking again. "Do you...is there anyone...looking for me? Do I have a family?"

"No," he shakes his head. He has to redo everything, he realizes, and that's another hard thing. "Your mom - she was a single mother, passed away a few years ago." He finally looks over at her, just briefly. "I'm sorry. I know this...it's hard."

She takes a breath and shakes her head a little. "It's just...a lot. I've been missing all this time, and...now here I am," she says quietly. "I'm Taylor, but I don't know who that is."

There are things he can tell her and so much he can't tell her. Because he knew her as a little girl and then he didn't know her at all for 25 years. Then, they'd just started really getting to know each other when Carter took her and it all went to hell.

"Just - take it one day at a time, okay? You don't need to remember everything in one day. I'll tell you what I can, what I know." He looks away, at the tv, avoiding direct eye contact. "You like pizza. A lot. You like lemon drop martinis and you seem to like jazz music so far."

There's so much he doesn't know, though. So much he'd wanted to know about her and they never had a chance.

Edited 2015-11-19 14:20 (UTC)

"That's something," Taylor murmurs, going back to her plate of spaghetti. She feels out of place, like she's imposing. She can see he way he won't look at her for long, so she tries not to bother him too much, eating quietly before getting up and finding her way to the kitchen, washing her plate and fork and setting them, dry, on the counter neatly since she doesn't know where they go.

"Thank you, for the food. I think I'm just going to go back to bed," she decides, offering him just a small, barely there smile.

"Yeah. You should sleep," he nods, though he doesn't return the smile. "Just get me if you need anything."

He sleeps on the couch rather than in his bedroom, in case she wakes up and needs something. He wants to be right there.

She takes a shower first, trying to wash away the feeling of confusion and being completely overwhelmed. She doesn't know it, but it's better than the first time, less traumatic. But she still has no idea what to do.

When she goes to bed she lays there for a while, staring up at the ceiling before finally falling asleep. The next few days she's polite, but she gets the feeling she should keep her distance, so she does, trying not to ask him too much, trying to understand her own life that she knows nothing about. She's tattooed from head to toe, and she has no idea why, but she doesn't think he knows either. She does sit with him though in the evenings after dinner, not closing herself off, just quiet because he can't even look at her when they talk.

for endingpoint

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