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[ continued from ( X )

He can see the bruises all over her and he hates even touching her like this because he worries there are even more injuries he can't see; doing CPR is brutal on the body and hers is already so fragile. But he keeps going until she finally, blessedly, takes a breath.

"I'm here, I'm right here," he presses his forehead to hers, holding onto her until the medics rush forward to take her. He's hovering, not wanting to leave her side, and he insists on riding in the ambulance with her, staying right with her the whole time.

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He hadn't meant to raise his voice like that and he feels bad instantly. But then she's finally getting it out, finally talking and Kurt reaches forward, just pulling her into his arms, not letting her sit there alone.

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Her sobs shake her frame, and she pushes him away weakly at first, before giving in quickly and sinking against him. "I didn't know anything," she manages, choking on her words. "I tried, I tried to tell him..." She coughs, choking on tears, she's so worked up now.

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"I know. I know," he tells her, over and over, rocking her a little in his arms. His hand rests on the back of her head protectively, keeping her tucked close to him.

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"I'm sorry," she gasps out. "I'm sorry." Because she would forget him, she would if it meant forgetting what Carter did to her, and it makes her feel absolutely gutted.

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"Jane, you have nothing to be sorry for," he insists firmly. "Okay? Nothing. This wasn't your fault. I just - don't shut me out."

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"I would forget you," she finally gets out. "If...if I could forget Carter and what happened, even if it meant losing you, Kurt..." Jane hates how that sounds, she hates that she knows it's going to hurt him.

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That stuns him into silence for a moment. He hadn't been expecting that at all, he's not prepared to react to that. He clears his throat, looking down because he doesn't want her to see the temporary hurt in his eyes, doesn't want to put that on her. He wants to ask her how, why, after everything they've been through, what they've built between each other. The way they love each other. The way they've finally found each other.

And she would rather forget it all.

He doesn't want it to hurt, but it does. It feels so damn selfish of him, and he picks his head up, taking a deep breath. "You can't...help how you feel," he finally says.

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He can't hide from her, she knows what she's done to him. It was better when she wasn't talking, and she begins to sink back into herself, because she hurt him. "I'm sorry," she whispers again, and then Jane goes quiet, unbroken hand rubbing up and down one arm that's still mottled with bruises. They don't hurt anymore, but they're an ugly yellow-green, and the bruises around her wrist are darker. But at least nothing hurts anymore.

Maybe one day the nightmares would go away, too.

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"You were honest with me. That's all I wanted," he says gently. And he reaches out gently, taking both of her hands in his, kissing her wrists and then her palms. "Thank you. For talking to me."

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"I hurt you," she whispers, voice breaking completely as she looks up at him. "I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to tell anyone." She'd planned on dealing with it, trying to make herself okay eventually.

"It's not...you that I'd want to forget. It's not...I love you." She has no idea if he can believe her when she says that now.

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"I know you do, Jane." He moves to sit beside her now. "You wanna forget what happened and if that means forgetting me, too, then you would. I get it." She's not out to forget him, he would just be a casualty in a hypothetical mind wipe. He wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"If you wanted to do this, to forget - you could. We can make it happen."

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Jane's quiet for a few minutes, trying to figure out her words.

"I'd love you again," she promises him. "I know I would. I'm supposed to love you," she whispers. "If you'd still have me."

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Kurt isn't so sure of that, that she'd fall in love with him again. He wonders how she can be so sure, how she can just know. Kissing her temple softly, he says, "Yeah. I'd still have you. I always would."

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"Maybe...let me think about it," Jane decides, because this isn't something she can decide after only a few minutes of thought. She's not sold on the idea, she doesn't want to run from the problem.

But for the entire week, at some point in the night, every night, she wakes up screaming, thrashing, gasping like she's choking all over again. It's exhausting for both of them, and finally on the eighth night it happens, she breaks down in his arms. "I can't...I can't take this anymore..."

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He's holding her, kissing her temple. "We'll see the doctor tomorrow, okay? This'll be over soon, Jane, I promise." That's all he wants. He just wants this for her so she has a chance at something of a normal life again.

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When they have a day scheduled for her to have the serum injected, Jane makes up the spare room, because she won't remember that she loves him. Just that he's taking care of her. But that gives her an idea, and she sits on the bed, making sure her phone can be unlocked without a passcode first, then making a few videos. One, telling herself that she's lost her memory, but it's going to be fine, that she can trust Kurt. She explains her tattoos next, and then she explains Kurt. She talks about loving him, about the way he loves her, and it's all she can do, really.

Going to Kurt the night before, she kneels in front of him and hands her the phone. "Make sure you give this to me. There are videos, so I understand what's happening."

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"Okay," he nods. He'll look at the videos later, he doesn't really want to look at them right now. He's trying not to think about tomorrow too much, just focusing on the fact that Jane can be at peace. "We should...get some sleep."

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"Before...before we do that, I wanted..." She ducks her head, blinking quickly.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to be okay. But it's not your fault," she says firmly, looking up at him. "What happened isn't anyone's fault but..." She can't even say Carter's name, so she doesn't. Kurt knows.

"And having to do this, that isn't your fault either. I feel like I'm cheating. Like I'm letting everyone down and taking the easy way out of this," she admits. "And like I'm breaking your heart."

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He listens to her intently and just lets it sink in. It's hard to let go of his guilt, but he's trying. He'll keep working on it. He hasn't had much time to think about it, Jane's been his sole focus.

"This is what you need to do. I want this for you," he says, wanting her to go into this with a clear heart. And he leans in then, just kissing her lips softly.

[endingpoint]

Kissing him softly, Jane still can't help feeling like she's losing in the end, still wondering if she should back out. But once they go to bed and she wakes up screaming again, sweating and shaking, she knows this is what she needs.

She doesn't sleep though, the rest of the night, because she wants to remember being in his arms as long as she can.

[startingpoint]

Kurt doesn't sleep, either, but in the morning, he gets up and makes coffee and then they get to the facility. He sits with her as she lays on the bed. She has an IV and Kurt is sitting there holding her hand tightly. He smiles a little, trying to just be strong for her.

And then the doctor comes in, and Kurt kisses Jane's knuckles tenderly. "I love you," he tells her, one last time.

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"No matter what," she whispers. "I love you. I'll always love you," she whispers, a tear sliding down her cheek. "Don't forget the videos, okay?" she pleads gently.

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He nods, not trusting himself to speak right now. He just holds her hand, and when the doctor injects the serum, Kurt holds her gaze until he can tell it's kicking in and then he looks down. He can't watch her eyes shift from love to confusion when she looks at him. He lets go of her hand swiftly, standing up and keeping his back to her for now, trying to keep his emotions at bay. He can do this. He'll do this. For her.

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She keeps repeating his name, over and over again in her head, just his name until she loses it completely, mind going blank. The doctor is right there, soothing right away so that she's not traumatized. The story they're going with is that she has amnesia, that she'll be fine but she just needs to take it easy.

And then she looks at Kurt, so much like the woman who came out of the bag; a little less terrified, but no less blank, completely wary as she tries to hang onto the fact that this person is someone who's supposed to take care of her. "...Who am I? What's my name?" she asks quietly.

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He hadn't really known what to expect, how he'd feel when this happened. Looking at her now, seeing just this blank look in her eyes, it's gutted him. He feels completely empty, hollow, so many walls he'd let down going right back up. He's lost her all over again, and he didn't realize it would hurt this much. But tonight she'll sleep without nightmares, and that makes this pain worth it.

He's back to being all business with her. He has to be.

"Your name is...Taylor. Taylor Shaw." That's the story they'd agreed to as well. "I know this is confusing, but everything's gonna be okay." He proceeds to explain what happened to her, going with their story that she'd been found wandering in the woods and they'd brought her here, still trying to figure out what happened to her.