dustofstars | for endingpoint

Sometimes, Jane thinks if she'd just been able to see what was coming, she could deal with this better. But it was having her head covered, not being able to see when the water was coming, and it was his voice, Carter screaming, insisting that she knew something when she didn't.

She's not eating, not really, truly, doing anything, and after two weeks, it just hasn't gotten better. She's losing weight, and it's easy to see because she's already so slight, with dark circles under her eyes. She hasn't refused to see the psychologist, she's gone, but she hasn't had the break yet that the doctor insists is coming when he talks to Kurt.

She still isn't talking, and Kurt is worried, frustrated, tired, and stressed. But he knows Jane has been through so much and he doesn't want to push her. So he doesn't. Not at first. But two weeks go by and he finally confronts her about it.

"Jane," he kneels in front of her on the couch, reaching for her hands. "I need you to talk to me."

For now, he's trying just a firm, but gentle voice.

Jane looks at him, mouth pressed in a firm line, and she swallows heavily. She can't figure it out, she can't find her words, and she just looks down at their hands, holding onto him tightly. What does she say? That for the first time since climbing out of a bag in Times Square she wishes she could forget, she wishes someone would take her memories again so she can get Carter's voice out of her head? She can't tell Kurt that, because it would mean she'd be fine with forgetting him. Which, she isn't - but she wants so desperately to get being water boarded out of her head.

She can't tell anyone that, she's too ashamed, and so she stays quiet.

He's frustrated with her for shutting him out, even with how much time has passed, how much he's done to be here for her, for everything. She still won't talk to him. He's angry that someone hurt her on his watch, he's angry that she stopped breathing and he almost lost her again. It all comes crashing down as he stands up, his whole body tensing.

"Dammit, Jane - why won't you just talk to me?! After everything we've been through - you shut me out. I don't know what the hell's going on in your head. I can't help you if you won't just fucking talk to me," it finally pours out of him and he takes a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself.

He's never yelled at her before, not like this, and her breathing comes faster, her chest tightening, and when he yells, she finally does too, and her voice is hoarse even though she's trying to yell.

"I died! I was tortured until I died, and I want to forget it!" She's staring at him, tears falling down her face freely. "I want to forget everything, I want my memories gone again." And then she curls up on herself, covering her face and rocking forward, letting out a loud sob.

He hadn't meant to raise his voice like that and he feels bad instantly. But then she's finally getting it out, finally talking and Kurt reaches forward, just pulling her into his arms, not letting her sit there alone.

Her sobs shake her frame, and she pushes him away weakly at first, before giving in quickly and sinking against him. "I didn't know anything," she manages, choking on her words. "I tried, I tried to tell him..." She coughs, choking on tears, she's so worked up now.

"I know. I know," he tells her, over and over, rocking her a little in his arms. His hand rests on the back of her head protectively, keeping her tucked close to him.

"I'm sorry," she gasps out. "I'm sorry." Because she would forget him, she would if it meant forgetting what Carter did to her, and it makes her feel absolutely gutted.

"Jane, you have nothing to be sorry for," he insists firmly. "Okay? Nothing. This wasn't your fault. I just - don't shut me out."

"I would forget you," she finally gets out. "If...if I could forget Carter and what happened, even if it meant losing you, Kurt..." Jane hates how that sounds, she hates that she knows it's going to hurt him.

That stuns him into silence for a moment. He hadn't been expecting that at all, he's not prepared to react to that. He clears his throat, looking down because he doesn't want her to see the temporary hurt in his eyes, doesn't want to put that on her. He wants to ask her how, why, after everything they've been through, what they've built between each other. The way they love each other. The way they've finally found each other.

And she would rather forget it all.

He doesn't want it to hurt, but it does. It feels so damn selfish of him, and he picks his head up, taking a deep breath. "You can't...help how you feel," he finally says.

He can't hide from her, she knows what she's done to him. It was better when she wasn't talking, and she begins to sink back into herself, because she hurt him. "I'm sorry," she whispers again, and then Jane goes quiet, unbroken hand rubbing up and down one arm that's still mottled with bruises. They don't hurt anymore, but they're an ugly yellow-green, and the bruises around her wrist are darker. But at least nothing hurts anymore.

Maybe one day the nightmares would go away, too.

"You were honest with me. That's all I wanted," he says gently. And he reaches out gently, taking both of her hands in his, kissing her wrists and then her palms. "Thank you. For talking to me."

"I hurt you," she whispers, voice breaking completely as she looks up at him. "I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to tell anyone." She'd planned on dealing with it, trying to make herself okay eventually.

"It's not...you that I'd want to forget. It's not...I love you." She has no idea if he can believe her when she says that now.

"I know you do, Jane." He moves to sit beside her now. "You wanna forget what happened and if that means forgetting me, too, then you would. I get it." She's not out to forget him, he would just be a casualty in a hypothetical mind wipe. He wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"If you wanted to do this, to forget - you could. We can make it happen."

Jane's quiet for a few minutes, trying to figure out her words.

"I'd love you again," she promises him. "I know I would. I'm supposed to love you," she whispers. "If you'd still have me."

Kurt isn't so sure of that, that she'd fall in love with him again. He wonders how she can be so sure, how she can just know. Kissing her temple softly, he says, "Yeah. I'd still have you. I always would."

"Maybe...let me think about it," Jane decides, because this isn't something she can decide after only a few minutes of thought. She's not sold on the idea, she doesn't want to run from the problem.

But for the entire week, at some point in the night, every night, she wakes up screaming, thrashing, gasping like she's choking all over again. It's exhausting for both of them, and finally on the eighth night it happens, she breaks down in his arms. "I can't...I can't take this anymore..."

Edited 2015-11-19 04:32 (UTC)

He's holding her, kissing her temple. "We'll see the doctor tomorrow, okay? This'll be over soon, Jane, I promise." That's all he wants. He just wants this for her so she has a chance at something of a normal life again.

When they have a day scheduled for her to have the serum injected, Jane makes up the spare room, because she won't remember that she loves him. Just that he's taking care of her. But that gives her an idea, and she sits on the bed, making sure her phone can be unlocked without a passcode first, then making a few videos. One, telling herself that she's lost her memory, but it's going to be fine, that she can trust Kurt. She explains her tattoos next, and then she explains Kurt. She talks about loving him, about the way he loves her, and it's all she can do, really.

Going to Kurt the night before, she kneels in front of him and hands her the phone. "Make sure you give this to me. There are videos, so I understand what's happening."

"Okay," he nods. He'll look at the videos later, he doesn't really want to look at them right now. He's trying not to think about tomorrow too much, just focusing on the fact that Jane can be at peace. "We should...get some sleep."

"Before...before we do that, I wanted..." She ducks her head, blinking quickly.

"I wanted to say I'm sorry that I'm not strong enough to be okay. But it's not your fault," she says firmly, looking up at him. "What happened isn't anyone's fault but..." She can't even say Carter's name, so she doesn't. Kurt knows.

"And having to do this, that isn't your fault either. I feel like I'm cheating. Like I'm letting everyone down and taking the easy way out of this," she admits. "And like I'm breaking your heart."

He listens to her intently and just lets it sink in. It's hard to let go of his guilt, but he's trying. He'll keep working on it. He hasn't had much time to think about it, Jane's been his sole focus.

"This is what you need to do. I want this for you," he says, wanting her to go into this with a clear heart. And he leans in then, just kissing her lips softly.

Kissing him softly, Jane still can't help feeling like she's losing in the end, still wondering if she should back out. But once they go to bed and she wakes up screaming again, sweating and shaking, she knows this is what she needs.

She doesn't sleep though, the rest of the night, because she wants to remember being in his arms as long as she can.

for endingpoint

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