dustofstars | for endingpoint

Kurt is worried about what this means for her, how they go forward now. Right now, though, she has physical injuries they need to worry about first. The rest, they'll take one step at a time and he'll be here, for all of it. He doesn't leave her side, holds her hand the entire time he's with her.

It's late when the doctor is done, and she's being kept overnight for observation. When they're finally alone, Jane has her cast wrist across her stomach lightly, her free hand still in his as she looks up at him.

Her eyes are wet with tears, just on the edge of crying, but it's almost like she can't get it out, she can't even speak, everything stuck in her throat. She spent so long screaming and crying before, that nothing happens now. Jane is broken, and she doesn't know what to do, either. She doesn't even have the capability to know what she might like, because she can't remember.

Kurt just assumes that she's still healing from so much shock and initial trauma. He doesn't ask her anything, he's just there with her. Every now and then, he'll tug her hand to his lips to kiss tenderly, or lean in to stroke her hair, trying to soothe and comfort the best that he can.

When she's released the next day, Jane is just as quiet and over the next few days it's clear she's traumatized; making herself small in corners; the couch, one single side of the bed. She does let him hold her at night, letting him tug her so that her back is to her chest and she clings to him, only able to fall asleep after his fingers run through her hair for a little while.

On the third day, she tries to take a shower, she wants to, but the water on her face is too much, and she has a panic attack. She sinks down to the floor, as pale as the white wall behind her, breathing hard and sweating.

It's been a while and Kurt goes to check on her. "Jane?"

He pulls the curtain back and sees her on the floor so he turns off the water, gently reaching in to tug her out, into a large fluffy towel he holds open. "Come here, I've got you."

She's shaking, hard, hard enough that it's difficult for her to stand. But finally she does and collapses into his arms, holding onto him tightly, like he's her lifeline.

Kurt lifts her easily into his arms, carrying her out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, sitting and holding her in his lap. He doesn't ask her anything at all, just holds her, kissing her forehead.

She hasn't said a word in days, her only sounds, sounds of distresses. It's the worst in her sleep, when she's fighting all over again, trying to get away. As a result, she doesn't sleep much. Which is why now, in his arms like this, Jane gives in to sleep, breathing deep and even.

He carefully tugs her head to the crook of his neck, his forehead pressing to hers. And he closes his eyes, just breathing her in. She almost died, she stopped breathing. And now she's here, she's here, but she's not. And he doesn't know how to reach her, how to pull her back with him.

Sometimes, Jane thinks if she'd just been able to see what was coming, she could deal with this better. But it was having her head covered, not being able to see when the water was coming, and it was his voice, Carter screaming, insisting that she knew something when she didn't.

She's not eating, not really, truly, doing anything, and after two weeks, it just hasn't gotten better. She's losing weight, and it's easy to see because she's already so slight, with dark circles under her eyes. She hasn't refused to see the psychologist, she's gone, but she hasn't had the break yet that the doctor insists is coming when he talks to Kurt.

She still isn't talking, and Kurt is worried, frustrated, tired, and stressed. But he knows Jane has been through so much and he doesn't want to push her. So he doesn't. Not at first. But two weeks go by and he finally confronts her about it.

"Jane," he kneels in front of her on the couch, reaching for her hands. "I need you to talk to me."

For now, he's trying just a firm, but gentle voice.

Jane looks at him, mouth pressed in a firm line, and she swallows heavily. She can't figure it out, she can't find her words, and she just looks down at their hands, holding onto him tightly. What does she say? That for the first time since climbing out of a bag in Times Square she wishes she could forget, she wishes someone would take her memories again so she can get Carter's voice out of her head? She can't tell Kurt that, because it would mean she'd be fine with forgetting him. Which, she isn't - but she wants so desperately to get being water boarded out of her head.

She can't tell anyone that, she's too ashamed, and so she stays quiet.

He's frustrated with her for shutting him out, even with how much time has passed, how much he's done to be here for her, for everything. She still won't talk to him. He's angry that someone hurt her on his watch, he's angry that she stopped breathing and he almost lost her again. It all comes crashing down as he stands up, his whole body tensing.

"Dammit, Jane - why won't you just talk to me?! After everything we've been through - you shut me out. I don't know what the hell's going on in your head. I can't help you if you won't just fucking talk to me," it finally pours out of him and he takes a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself.

He's never yelled at her before, not like this, and her breathing comes faster, her chest tightening, and when he yells, she finally does too, and her voice is hoarse even though she's trying to yell.

"I died! I was tortured until I died, and I want to forget it!" She's staring at him, tears falling down her face freely. "I want to forget everything, I want my memories gone again." And then she curls up on herself, covering her face and rocking forward, letting out a loud sob.

He hadn't meant to raise his voice like that and he feels bad instantly. But then she's finally getting it out, finally talking and Kurt reaches forward, just pulling her into his arms, not letting her sit there alone.

Her sobs shake her frame, and she pushes him away weakly at first, before giving in quickly and sinking against him. "I didn't know anything," she manages, choking on her words. "I tried, I tried to tell him..." She coughs, choking on tears, she's so worked up now.

"I know. I know," he tells her, over and over, rocking her a little in his arms. His hand rests on the back of her head protectively, keeping her tucked close to him.

"I'm sorry," she gasps out. "I'm sorry." Because she would forget him, she would if it meant forgetting what Carter did to her, and it makes her feel absolutely gutted.

"Jane, you have nothing to be sorry for," he insists firmly. "Okay? Nothing. This wasn't your fault. I just - don't shut me out."

"I would forget you," she finally gets out. "If...if I could forget Carter and what happened, even if it meant losing you, Kurt..." Jane hates how that sounds, she hates that she knows it's going to hurt him.

That stuns him into silence for a moment. He hadn't been expecting that at all, he's not prepared to react to that. He clears his throat, looking down because he doesn't want her to see the temporary hurt in his eyes, doesn't want to put that on her. He wants to ask her how, why, after everything they've been through, what they've built between each other. The way they love each other. The way they've finally found each other.

And she would rather forget it all.

He doesn't want it to hurt, but it does. It feels so damn selfish of him, and he picks his head up, taking a deep breath. "You can't...help how you feel," he finally says.

He can't hide from her, she knows what she's done to him. It was better when she wasn't talking, and she begins to sink back into herself, because she hurt him. "I'm sorry," she whispers again, and then Jane goes quiet, unbroken hand rubbing up and down one arm that's still mottled with bruises. They don't hurt anymore, but they're an ugly yellow-green, and the bruises around her wrist are darker. But at least nothing hurts anymore.

Maybe one day the nightmares would go away, too.

"You were honest with me. That's all I wanted," he says gently. And he reaches out gently, taking both of her hands in his, kissing her wrists and then her palms. "Thank you. For talking to me."

"I hurt you," she whispers, voice breaking completely as she looks up at him. "I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to tell anyone." She'd planned on dealing with it, trying to make herself okay eventually.

"It's not...you that I'd want to forget. It's not...I love you." She has no idea if he can believe her when she says that now.

"I know you do, Jane." He moves to sit beside her now. "You wanna forget what happened and if that means forgetting me, too, then you would. I get it." She's not out to forget him, he would just be a casualty in a hypothetical mind wipe. He wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"If you wanted to do this, to forget - you could. We can make it happen."

for endingpoint

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